05 September, 2008

Here's sand in your thong!

Did you watch the babes of Beijing?

A couple years ago, I created a sports reporter named T.D. Scrumm for my book
The Hundred Year Meat Loaf. Below is an excerpt (from The Cam and Perry Show) which offers commentary on the continuing denigration of what was the greatest spectacle of sports, the Olympics.

"I hear ya. Now, listeners, it's time to get the sports report from the fellow who made it to the top of his sport—cow chip tossing—only to have it rejected as an Olympic event. And beach volleyball made it? Go figure. It's the ghost of Mr. Howard Cosell, the inimitable T.D. Scrumm!"

"Thank you Cam for bringing up that debacle regarding beach volleyball. Makes you wonder how many of those bikini-clad bitches were in bed with members of the Olympic Committee."

"Isn't that a little harsh?"

"No, it really frosts my fruit, that something that incredibly lame could be accepted. So I have gone ahead and compiled a list of more sports I think those losers on the Olympic Committee should approve as well..."

Perry interrupts...

"Frosts your fruit,' eh? That reminds me of a poem."


"In the summer,
When it's hot and sticky,
That's not the time to dunk your dickie.
In the winter,
When the frost is on the punkin,
Now that's the time for dickie dunkin.' "

"Did you set him up for that, Lou?"

"And encourage him? Are you kidding me? Remember, I'm the guy standing by with the duct tape, when we can't take any more."

"Okay then, let's get back to the sports with T.D. Scrumm."

"Thanks Cam..."

He pulls a file out of his briefcase...

"Here are my top dozen picks for new Olympic events, now that 'Sand in your thong volleyball' has made it. First up, Chihuahua Punt, Pass, and Kick. In this game a Chihuahua is used like a football. Score is based on distance, accuracy, and hang time."

"You think that will pass muster with animal rights groups?"

"Of course the Animal Civil Liberties Union will object, but perhaps internationally the idea will fly. I'm sure there are millions of people worldwide who wonder what they were thinking when got one of those little ankle biters.
"But please, let me read the rest of my list, before you inject any more snarly remarks."

"OK, but try to get to the scores eventually."

"Yeah, I'll pick up the pace a bit. Next, is Beer Chug-a-Lug (One Hand and Two Hand). I hear that practice is even more fun than the games.

"Dresser Drawer Arranging Rally. Neat freaks can sock it to ’em in this competition.
"TV Remote Control War. Two eleven man teams, one TV remote control. You know this can’t be pretty. By the way, there are no known women’s teams participating in this sport.
"NASCAR Designated Driving. In the Cup version, the winner is the contestant who drives the most drunks home before game time expires. The Busch Series version involves driving sober people to bars so they can get drunk on America's favorite family of rot gut beers. (Often they throw up before reaching a state of intoxication.).
"Burp and Fart (One Man and Teams). For obvious reasons, it is not suitable for indoor arenas. Like with TV Remote Control War, there are no known women’s teams participating in this sport.
"Crossing the Street to Avoid Talking to Someone Hopscotch.  Sorry, throwing oneself in front of  a speeding vehicle to avoid talking to someone constitutes a rules violation, and—if the contestant is still alive—he must have a face-to-face conversation with the person he was trying to avoid.
"Organ  Swap  Meat. It involves match play competition, and points are 
awarded based on just how long a patient lives with a donated organ.
"Halley’s Comet Show and Tell.  There is automatic disqualification for falling asleep, dying before the return of Halley's Comet, or wrongly identifying Halley’s Comet.
"Baby Out With The Bath Water. The object is to throw the baby out with the bath water. The larger the baby, the more points awarded.
"Science Project Growing in My Fridge Roulette. If a contestant wrongly identifies a spoiled food item in his fridge, he has to eat it.
"Last but not least, Road Rage Demolition Derby. Much like a regular demolition derby, but the competition takes place on interstate highways. Last one driving (still alive) is the winner."

"Interesting T.D., but where is your famous 'Guttergolf'? Why didn't it make your list? I thought it had some promise in jazzing up the world's most boring spectator sport."

Perhaps in a future blog T.D. can explain Guttergolf. Meanwhile remember, just because you are such a complete physical wreck that you can hardly tie your shoes let alone play a sport, it doesn't mean you can't be a sport... so stop hogging all the chips and salsa, OK?

~PITTSBURGH starts with PITT!~

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